越帮越忙合理利用他人的善意.docVIP

When helping isnt helping: Making the most of others good intentions 发布时间：2012-11-22 文章出自：Psychology_Today 原文链接：点击查看 Kelly runs a tight ship at home. She’s organized (okay maybe some folks would say a little bit obsessive) but when her mother offered to come down and help after her baby was born, Kelly jumped at her offer. Now it’s a couple of days post-mom and Kelly is about to scream. Her mom washed and dried her new expensive blouse that is meant to be only handwashed and never ever put in a dryer – now it would barely fit a 4 year old. And then she apparently overwatered the plants and left a huge water stain on one of the dressers. And she still hasn’t been able to find the blender even though she tore the kitchen apart looking for it and her mom can’t remember seeing it. Did I say she was about the scream? This is one of those situations where good intentions cross with unspoken expectations. Kelly knows in her rational mind that her mom was just trying to help. Her mom didn’t know the nuances of the household, she was in a different environment, there were different rules (like the blouse) and standards that her mom was clueless about. Kelly doesn’t want to call up her mom and scold her, but she is reluctant to let her move off the couch the next time she visits. Obviously there is a communication problem here (or lack of) but also something else. Part of Kelly’s upset is about her and her coping style. She leans on control to manage her anxiety – she knows where things go, follows her own routines, stays obsessed..uh, organized. When things are going to plan, everything is fine. Even with enough notice of changes to come she can adjust. But when the plan (that usually stays only inside her head) gets thrown off unexpectedly, her anxiety goes up and it usually comes out as irritation and control. And there’s another problem as well – a tension created within Kelly by the nature of having someone, even if it is her mom, helping in her house. Part of the tensio